Things That Matter Most

So I've been feeling... off.  I had a weird week.  I didn't have enough to do.  I'm in between a lot of things right now, and its messing with my mood.  So finally, today I went here:

As soon as I got out of my car, I felt better.  I saw people who had just been sealed taking pictures, the sun was shining, and it was so clear to me that I have been focusing WAY too much on myself, and forgetting the most important things.  The Lord loves us.  He has a plan.  I am SO blessed.  And I REALLY need to get outside my silly self and see the things that matter most.

So, some news.

Today I took off the watch.  I've been wearing it a lot.  Its cute.  Its functional.  It keeps me on time. For school, P.E., lunch, art, music, library...

Well, not anymore.

And now its really hot in here, and I have a headache, and I have some business to take care of, so the watch is coming off.

I didn't fail.  Not really.  I know its the right thing.  I know, in the long run I will be a better teacher for it.  For it all.

...

I decided to "be removed" from my internship, and go to student teaching.  It scary, and overwhelming, and sad, and a little not real yet.

But also, its really liberating.  Anyone who knows me has seen how. incredibly. overwhelmed I've been this whole time.  Not sleeping, 12-15 hour days, first one at school, last one to leave, planning in the middle of the night, emails, meetings meetings meetings (including some where I'm so tired I fall asleep in them, and others where I cry.)  I dream about teaching, planning, being unprepared...  I talk about teaching, and students, and how overwhelmed I am... I cry.  All.  Thetime.

My placement was EXTREMELY hard.  The class was hard.  I had a very difficult start.  There was some SERIOUSLY difficult hurdles for me to jump over.

And I worked really hard, but I just couldn't make it.

I've never done anything with lower grades.  I didn't prepare well enough.  I got in a bad cycle of tired/overwhelmed/behind.  I was faced with dealing with all the logistics of BEING a teacher while grasping at straws trying to learn HOW to teach and WHAT to teach and how to make it all work for a rambunctious group of seven-year-olds.

Maybe someone else could do it, but I couldn't.  And you know what, that's okay.  What I really want, more than anything, is to be a good teacher.  I have wanted to be a GOOD teacher forever.  Its not just a good job to have when you're a mom, or an M.R.S. degree, or whatever so many people go into "ELED" for, for me.  Its teaching those little souls, giving them a foundation for the rest of their lives.  Its my passion, and in order for me to be the best teacher I can be, I need more support.  I need more practice.  I need the "student" part of student teaching.  I need to learn how and what to teach without all the logistics.

On top of everything, there's been a lot going on in my life.  Amazing, exciting, extremely happy things that I wouldn't give up, even to succeed in this internship.  (More on that later.)  That has been... distracting.

So here I stand.  I think, hope, and pray that I've made the right decision.  I know I've felt a major sense of release.

I'm SO sad to leave the kids.  Those notes, I'll keep forever.  "You're my favorite teacher..."  and "if I had a magic pebble I'd wish you were still our teacher", and "soon you are going to be Mrs. Sanders!" "I really miss you, I almost cried when we went out to recess.  I hope you come back soon with your new husband." "I promise I will not forget you!"

I definitely won't forget those amazing children, and I hope I'll never forget how much I've learned.  Thank you to the AMAZING people who have supported me through it all.  I couldn't have made it even this far with out you.  I hope you can still be proud of me.