When I Knew

"We've had a lot of awesome dates here."
"Yeah we have.  My favorite ones."
"For sure. Like the one right before I went home for the summer where we did baptisms and then spent the whole day down here."
"Remember how we felt after doing baptisms that time?  I didn't know baptisms could be so fun."
I remembered how everybody in the temple seemed to give us those looks like they knew something we didn't.  I thought about his hands on my head.  I thought about how we kept smiling at each other across the room.  I thought about how he held my hand on the way into the font, and how we both walked out of the temple saying how much fun we'd had.  I think that was the only word that could describe the happy, full feeling in my heart.  I didn't realize it then, but I think that might have been when I really knew.

That, and that fortune cookie around the same time that said "The love of your life is in front of your eyes."

Really.

Get Dressed

So... I recently came into a lot of time on my hands.  There are things to do, no doubt, but there is A LOT of time to do it in, so therefore, not a lot gets done 'round here.  Its like my momma used to say (usually in reference to getting ready for the day, but also applicable to life in general) "It takes as much time as you have."  Innit true?

Right before I started the lovely internship of all internships which now feels like a blur that never really happened which makes me a little sad (oh, maybe that's what I want to talk about?) one of the intern "coaches"  talked a lot about "just get dressed!"  She had this analogy, like if you have an hour to get ready, what would you do?  Shower, get dressed, eat, make-up, do your hair nice, etc.  If you have a half hour you might skip breakfast and throw your hair up, but you can get to the rest.  Now what if you only have five minutes.

You "just get dressed".

At the time, this was all related to just getting my classroom put together passably, and preparing myself and my lessons for the first week.  I held on to that analogy.  I kept repeating it.  It had so little time and so much to do.    After a while, it was supposed to get easier, they told me.  I was supposed to learn how to "get dressed" a lot faster.  I was supposed to come up with systems where I could "pick my clothes" (do the basic planning and preparation) quickly.  I was supposed to have time to start putting on make-up and doing my hair (you know, actually becoming a good teacher).

But just getting dressed, and not doing that great a job at it, was taking ALL the time I had.

There were factors there that made it really hard for me to get dressed.  I was like a new mom, who ends up wearing yoga pants everyday because she is too busy being sleep deprived and living in crisis mode to really get dressed.  Maybe I'm taking this analogy too far.

The madness of it all came to an abrupt halt, and now I find myself in nearly the opposite situation.  I have little to do, and lots of time to do it.  Somehow doing laundry becomes an all-day event (Symbolic?).  But mostly I spend my time dreaming up ways to spend my time.

I wonder if I had had some of this time then, would I have used it?  Or would "just getting dressed" still take all the time I had?  I worry that even in a new situation, I won't be able to be a "fully showered, breakfasted, made-up and ready for the day" teacher.  Will I still use up all my time to just "get dressed"?  What about this time I have right now?  What can I do to make sure that the scary bad unsuccessful teacher Mikell is gone forever, and the amazing, fabulous, confident, prepared teacher Mikell can emerge?  I'm asking too many questions.  I just wish that I could spread out all the time, and use it wisely and always be my best self.

I like to think we all feel this way.  That time management is one of the important things we're supposed to learn in life.  For now, I think I'd better just go get dressed.

Things That Matter Most

So I've been feeling... off.  I had a weird week.  I didn't have enough to do.  I'm in between a lot of things right now, and its messing with my mood.  So finally, today I went here:

As soon as I got out of my car, I felt better.  I saw people who had just been sealed taking pictures, the sun was shining, and it was so clear to me that I have been focusing WAY too much on myself, and forgetting the most important things.  The Lord loves us.  He has a plan.  I am SO blessed.  And I REALLY need to get outside my silly self and see the things that matter most.

So, some news.

Today I took off the watch.  I've been wearing it a lot.  Its cute.  Its functional.  It keeps me on time. For school, P.E., lunch, art, music, library...

Well, not anymore.

And now its really hot in here, and I have a headache, and I have some business to take care of, so the watch is coming off.

I didn't fail.  Not really.  I know its the right thing.  I know, in the long run I will be a better teacher for it.  For it all.

...

I decided to "be removed" from my internship, and go to student teaching.  It scary, and overwhelming, and sad, and a little not real yet.

But also, its really liberating.  Anyone who knows me has seen how. incredibly. overwhelmed I've been this whole time.  Not sleeping, 12-15 hour days, first one at school, last one to leave, planning in the middle of the night, emails, meetings meetings meetings (including some where I'm so tired I fall asleep in them, and others where I cry.)  I dream about teaching, planning, being unprepared...  I talk about teaching, and students, and how overwhelmed I am... I cry.  All.  Thetime.

My placement was EXTREMELY hard.  The class was hard.  I had a very difficult start.  There was some SERIOUSLY difficult hurdles for me to jump over.

And I worked really hard, but I just couldn't make it.

I've never done anything with lower grades.  I didn't prepare well enough.  I got in a bad cycle of tired/overwhelmed/behind.  I was faced with dealing with all the logistics of BEING a teacher while grasping at straws trying to learn HOW to teach and WHAT to teach and how to make it all work for a rambunctious group of seven-year-olds.

Maybe someone else could do it, but I couldn't.  And you know what, that's okay.  What I really want, more than anything, is to be a good teacher.  I have wanted to be a GOOD teacher forever.  Its not just a good job to have when you're a mom, or an M.R.S. degree, or whatever so many people go into "ELED" for, for me.  Its teaching those little souls, giving them a foundation for the rest of their lives.  Its my passion, and in order for me to be the best teacher I can be, I need more support.  I need more practice.  I need the "student" part of student teaching.  I need to learn how and what to teach without all the logistics.

On top of everything, there's been a lot going on in my life.  Amazing, exciting, extremely happy things that I wouldn't give up, even to succeed in this internship.  (More on that later.)  That has been... distracting.

So here I stand.  I think, hope, and pray that I've made the right decision.  I know I've felt a major sense of release.

I'm SO sad to leave the kids.  Those notes, I'll keep forever.  "You're my favorite teacher..."  and "if I had a magic pebble I'd wish you were still our teacher", and "soon you are going to be Mrs. Sanders!" "I really miss you, I almost cried when we went out to recess.  I hope you come back soon with your new husband." "I promise I will not forget you!"

I definitely won't forget those amazing children, and I hope I'll never forget how much I've learned.  Thank you to the AMAZING people who have supported me through it all.  I couldn't have made it even this far with out you.  I hope you can still be proud of me.

Sappiness...

I didn't know it could feel this good.

I thought it could, hoped it could, but I had no idea what I was even looking for.

I saw the motions, and thought that maybe that was what made you feel it, but I'm realizing now, that when its real, the motions are just the manifestations of the feelings.

I finally feel like we are symbiotic- our happiness depends on each other. Our empathy, our understanding, our compassion is more in sync because we share everything possible, from stories, to feelings, to ideas, to time, time, time, and maybe some more stories, and more.

I feel like I understand him really well, and I love every part. Literally. I love even the faults, because that make him himself.

Love and Hope

Okay, so there's this blog... And I love it.  Stephanie Nielsen has survived so much, and is so full of hope, no matter the trials she faces.  She has so much faith.  One of my favorite things about the whole blog is how in love she is with her husband. They love each other, and they do all this romantic stuff together, and they smile and hold hands through it all.

I wanna be like them.  Matt and I have been joking about how we should be more romantic, like them.  Like making out on a ski lift under the full moon romantic. (Does that not sound amazing?)

I recently discovered that her kids go to the school I teach at.  I've seen them a couple times in the hall.  They are adorable.

Today I was grumpy.  I didn't get enough sleep.  My kids were kinda crazy.  I got observed and got... a reality check about how far there is to go in my teaching.

After I took a nap in my car, I headed out to get a much needed DDP.  And sitting there behind me at the light, were the Nielsens, sitting there on their motorcycle.  He was smiling, she was hugging him tight, their sunglasses on just looking completely at ease, and in love, and really really happy.

I thought I hated motorcycles.  And they weren't even wearing helmets!  But I looked at them, and saw their love, and I saw their joy, and somehow, I felt more hopeful about my life.  

If they can find joy in simple things, so can I.  If they can be in love, so can I.  If they can make it through hard things, so can I.

Ah... Hope. :)

Move

MOVE from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.