Things That Matter Most

So I've been feeling... off.  I had a weird week.  I didn't have enough to do.  I'm in between a lot of things right now, and its messing with my mood.  So finally, today I went here:

As soon as I got out of my car, I felt better.  I saw people who had just been sealed taking pictures, the sun was shining, and it was so clear to me that I have been focusing WAY too much on myself, and forgetting the most important things.  The Lord loves us.  He has a plan.  I am SO blessed.  And I REALLY need to get outside my silly self and see the things that matter most.

So, some news.

Today I took off the watch.  I've been wearing it a lot.  Its cute.  Its functional.  It keeps me on time. For school, P.E., lunch, art, music, library...

Well, not anymore.

And now its really hot in here, and I have a headache, and I have some business to take care of, so the watch is coming off.

I didn't fail.  Not really.  I know its the right thing.  I know, in the long run I will be a better teacher for it.  For it all.

...

I decided to "be removed" from my internship, and go to student teaching.  It scary, and overwhelming, and sad, and a little not real yet.

But also, its really liberating.  Anyone who knows me has seen how. incredibly. overwhelmed I've been this whole time.  Not sleeping, 12-15 hour days, first one at school, last one to leave, planning in the middle of the night, emails, meetings meetings meetings (including some where I'm so tired I fall asleep in them, and others where I cry.)  I dream about teaching, planning, being unprepared...  I talk about teaching, and students, and how overwhelmed I am... I cry.  All.  Thetime.

My placement was EXTREMELY hard.  The class was hard.  I had a very difficult start.  There was some SERIOUSLY difficult hurdles for me to jump over.

And I worked really hard, but I just couldn't make it.

I've never done anything with lower grades.  I didn't prepare well enough.  I got in a bad cycle of tired/overwhelmed/behind.  I was faced with dealing with all the logistics of BEING a teacher while grasping at straws trying to learn HOW to teach and WHAT to teach and how to make it all work for a rambunctious group of seven-year-olds.

Maybe someone else could do it, but I couldn't.  And you know what, that's okay.  What I really want, more than anything, is to be a good teacher.  I have wanted to be a GOOD teacher forever.  Its not just a good job to have when you're a mom, or an M.R.S. degree, or whatever so many people go into "ELED" for, for me.  Its teaching those little souls, giving them a foundation for the rest of their lives.  Its my passion, and in order for me to be the best teacher I can be, I need more support.  I need more practice.  I need the "student" part of student teaching.  I need to learn how and what to teach without all the logistics.

On top of everything, there's been a lot going on in my life.  Amazing, exciting, extremely happy things that I wouldn't give up, even to succeed in this internship.  (More on that later.)  That has been... distracting.

So here I stand.  I think, hope, and pray that I've made the right decision.  I know I've felt a major sense of release.

I'm SO sad to leave the kids.  Those notes, I'll keep forever.  "You're my favorite teacher..."  and "if I had a magic pebble I'd wish you were still our teacher", and "soon you are going to be Mrs. Sanders!" "I really miss you, I almost cried when we went out to recess.  I hope you come back soon with your new husband." "I promise I will not forget you!"

I definitely won't forget those amazing children, and I hope I'll never forget how much I've learned.  Thank you to the AMAZING people who have supported me through it all.  I couldn't have made it even this far with out you.  I hope you can still be proud of me.

Sappiness...

I didn't know it could feel this good.

I thought it could, hoped it could, but I had no idea what I was even looking for.

I saw the motions, and thought that maybe that was what made you feel it, but I'm realizing now, that when its real, the motions are just the manifestations of the feelings.

I finally feel like we are symbiotic- our happiness depends on each other. Our empathy, our understanding, our compassion is more in sync because we share everything possible, from stories, to feelings, to ideas, to time, time, time, and maybe some more stories, and more.

I feel like I understand him really well, and I love every part. Literally. I love even the faults, because that make him himself.

Love and Hope

Okay, so there's this blog... And I love it.  Stephanie Nielsen has survived so much, and is so full of hope, no matter the trials she faces.  She has so much faith.  One of my favorite things about the whole blog is how in love she is with her husband. They love each other, and they do all this romantic stuff together, and they smile and hold hands through it all.

I wanna be like them.  Matt and I have been joking about how we should be more romantic, like them.  Like making out on a ski lift under the full moon romantic. (Does that not sound amazing?)

I recently discovered that her kids go to the school I teach at.  I've seen them a couple times in the hall.  They are adorable.

Today I was grumpy.  I didn't get enough sleep.  My kids were kinda crazy.  I got observed and got... a reality check about how far there is to go in my teaching.

After I took a nap in my car, I headed out to get a much needed DDP.  And sitting there behind me at the light, were the Nielsens, sitting there on their motorcycle.  He was smiling, she was hugging him tight, their sunglasses on just looking completely at ease, and in love, and really really happy.

I thought I hated motorcycles.  And they weren't even wearing helmets!  But I looked at them, and saw their love, and I saw their joy, and somehow, I felt more hopeful about my life.  

If they can find joy in simple things, so can I.  If they can be in love, so can I.  If they can make it through hard things, so can I.

Ah... Hope. :)

Move

MOVE from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

Emotions...

I've never felt more familiar with the way tears well up and fall out. Of my eyes and theirs. Every day I cry. Every day someone says it will get better. But they don't know. No one has had it quite like me. Maybe they've had similar or worse, but no one like this. Am I just hormonal and therefore extremely emotionally unstable, or is this legitimately super duper hard? I don't know.

I waste my time trying to escape, and don't succeed to do that or to make my problems better. Awesome. I might fail as a teacher. Right now it feels like I am. Every thing about myself I've ever felt insecure about is coming out and rearing its ugly head and pushing me into a totally unhealthy cycle of crying, wasting time, doing a half-butt job of everything, talking myself down, wasting time, crying. I'm going home.

Sing Me To Heaven

sing me a lullaby, a love song, a requiem, sing me to heaven

unceasing love, oh unceasing love, surpassing all we know...