When I Knew

"We've had a lot of awesome dates here."
"Yeah we have.  My favorite ones."
"For sure. Like the one right before I went home for the summer where we did baptisms and then spent the whole day down here."
"Remember how we felt after doing baptisms that time?  I didn't know baptisms could be so fun."
I remembered how everybody in the temple seemed to give us those looks like they knew something we didn't.  I thought about his hands on my head.  I thought about how we kept smiling at each other across the room.  I thought about how he held my hand on the way into the font, and how we both walked out of the temple saying how much fun we'd had.  I think that was the only word that could describe the happy, full feeling in my heart.  I didn't realize it then, but I think that might have been when I really knew.

That, and that fortune cookie around the same time that said "The love of your life is in front of your eyes."

Really.

Get Dressed

So... I recently came into a lot of time on my hands.  There are things to do, no doubt, but there is A LOT of time to do it in, so therefore, not a lot gets done 'round here.  Its like my momma used to say (usually in reference to getting ready for the day, but also applicable to life in general) "It takes as much time as you have."  Innit true?

Right before I started the lovely internship of all internships which now feels like a blur that never really happened which makes me a little sad (oh, maybe that's what I want to talk about?) one of the intern "coaches"  talked a lot about "just get dressed!"  She had this analogy, like if you have an hour to get ready, what would you do?  Shower, get dressed, eat, make-up, do your hair nice, etc.  If you have a half hour you might skip breakfast and throw your hair up, but you can get to the rest.  Now what if you only have five minutes.

You "just get dressed".

At the time, this was all related to just getting my classroom put together passably, and preparing myself and my lessons for the first week.  I held on to that analogy.  I kept repeating it.  It had so little time and so much to do.    After a while, it was supposed to get easier, they told me.  I was supposed to learn how to "get dressed" a lot faster.  I was supposed to come up with systems where I could "pick my clothes" (do the basic planning and preparation) quickly.  I was supposed to have time to start putting on make-up and doing my hair (you know, actually becoming a good teacher).

But just getting dressed, and not doing that great a job at it, was taking ALL the time I had.

There were factors there that made it really hard for me to get dressed.  I was like a new mom, who ends up wearing yoga pants everyday because she is too busy being sleep deprived and living in crisis mode to really get dressed.  Maybe I'm taking this analogy too far.

The madness of it all came to an abrupt halt, and now I find myself in nearly the opposite situation.  I have little to do, and lots of time to do it.  Somehow doing laundry becomes an all-day event (Symbolic?).  But mostly I spend my time dreaming up ways to spend my time.

I wonder if I had had some of this time then, would I have used it?  Or would "just getting dressed" still take all the time I had?  I worry that even in a new situation, I won't be able to be a "fully showered, breakfasted, made-up and ready for the day" teacher.  Will I still use up all my time to just "get dressed"?  What about this time I have right now?  What can I do to make sure that the scary bad unsuccessful teacher Mikell is gone forever, and the amazing, fabulous, confident, prepared teacher Mikell can emerge?  I'm asking too many questions.  I just wish that I could spread out all the time, and use it wisely and always be my best self.

I like to think we all feel this way.  That time management is one of the important things we're supposed to learn in life.  For now, I think I'd better just go get dressed.

Things That Matter Most

So I've been feeling... off.  I had a weird week.  I didn't have enough to do.  I'm in between a lot of things right now, and its messing with my mood.  So finally, today I went here:

As soon as I got out of my car, I felt better.  I saw people who had just been sealed taking pictures, the sun was shining, and it was so clear to me that I have been focusing WAY too much on myself, and forgetting the most important things.  The Lord loves us.  He has a plan.  I am SO blessed.  And I REALLY need to get outside my silly self and see the things that matter most.

So, some news.

Today I took off the watch.  I've been wearing it a lot.  Its cute.  Its functional.  It keeps me on time. For school, P.E., lunch, art, music, library...

Well, not anymore.

And now its really hot in here, and I have a headache, and I have some business to take care of, so the watch is coming off.

I didn't fail.  Not really.  I know its the right thing.  I know, in the long run I will be a better teacher for it.  For it all.

...

I decided to "be removed" from my internship, and go to student teaching.  It scary, and overwhelming, and sad, and a little not real yet.

But also, its really liberating.  Anyone who knows me has seen how. incredibly. overwhelmed I've been this whole time.  Not sleeping, 12-15 hour days, first one at school, last one to leave, planning in the middle of the night, emails, meetings meetings meetings (including some where I'm so tired I fall asleep in them, and others where I cry.)  I dream about teaching, planning, being unprepared...  I talk about teaching, and students, and how overwhelmed I am... I cry.  All.  Thetime.

My placement was EXTREMELY hard.  The class was hard.  I had a very difficult start.  There was some SERIOUSLY difficult hurdles for me to jump over.

And I worked really hard, but I just couldn't make it.

I've never done anything with lower grades.  I didn't prepare well enough.  I got in a bad cycle of tired/overwhelmed/behind.  I was faced with dealing with all the logistics of BEING a teacher while grasping at straws trying to learn HOW to teach and WHAT to teach and how to make it all work for a rambunctious group of seven-year-olds.

Maybe someone else could do it, but I couldn't.  And you know what, that's okay.  What I really want, more than anything, is to be a good teacher.  I have wanted to be a GOOD teacher forever.  Its not just a good job to have when you're a mom, or an M.R.S. degree, or whatever so many people go into "ELED" for, for me.  Its teaching those little souls, giving them a foundation for the rest of their lives.  Its my passion, and in order for me to be the best teacher I can be, I need more support.  I need more practice.  I need the "student" part of student teaching.  I need to learn how and what to teach without all the logistics.

On top of everything, there's been a lot going on in my life.  Amazing, exciting, extremely happy things that I wouldn't give up, even to succeed in this internship.  (More on that later.)  That has been... distracting.

So here I stand.  I think, hope, and pray that I've made the right decision.  I know I've felt a major sense of release.

I'm SO sad to leave the kids.  Those notes, I'll keep forever.  "You're my favorite teacher..."  and "if I had a magic pebble I'd wish you were still our teacher", and "soon you are going to be Mrs. Sanders!" "I really miss you, I almost cried when we went out to recess.  I hope you come back soon with your new husband." "I promise I will not forget you!"

I definitely won't forget those amazing children, and I hope I'll never forget how much I've learned.  Thank you to the AMAZING people who have supported me through it all.  I couldn't have made it even this far with out you.  I hope you can still be proud of me.

Sappiness...

I didn't know it could feel this good.

I thought it could, hoped it could, but I had no idea what I was even looking for.

I saw the motions, and thought that maybe that was what made you feel it, but I'm realizing now, that when its real, the motions are just the manifestations of the feelings.

I finally feel like we are symbiotic- our happiness depends on each other. Our empathy, our understanding, our compassion is more in sync because we share everything possible, from stories, to feelings, to ideas, to time, time, time, and maybe some more stories, and more.

I feel like I understand him really well, and I love every part. Literally. I love even the faults, because that make him himself.

Love and Hope

Okay, so there's this blog... And I love it.  Stephanie Nielsen has survived so much, and is so full of hope, no matter the trials she faces.  She has so much faith.  One of my favorite things about the whole blog is how in love she is with her husband. They love each other, and they do all this romantic stuff together, and they smile and hold hands through it all.

I wanna be like them.  Matt and I have been joking about how we should be more romantic, like them.  Like making out on a ski lift under the full moon romantic. (Does that not sound amazing?)

I recently discovered that her kids go to the school I teach at.  I've seen them a couple times in the hall.  They are adorable.

Today I was grumpy.  I didn't get enough sleep.  My kids were kinda crazy.  I got observed and got... a reality check about how far there is to go in my teaching.

After I took a nap in my car, I headed out to get a much needed DDP.  And sitting there behind me at the light, were the Nielsens, sitting there on their motorcycle.  He was smiling, she was hugging him tight, their sunglasses on just looking completely at ease, and in love, and really really happy.

I thought I hated motorcycles.  And they weren't even wearing helmets!  But I looked at them, and saw their love, and I saw their joy, and somehow, I felt more hopeful about my life.  

If they can find joy in simple things, so can I.  If they can be in love, so can I.  If they can make it through hard things, so can I.

Ah... Hope. :)

Move

MOVE from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

Emotions...

I've never felt more familiar with the way tears well up and fall out. Of my eyes and theirs. Every day I cry. Every day someone says it will get better. But they don't know. No one has had it quite like me. Maybe they've had similar or worse, but no one like this. Am I just hormonal and therefore extremely emotionally unstable, or is this legitimately super duper hard? I don't know.

I waste my time trying to escape, and don't succeed to do that or to make my problems better. Awesome. I might fail as a teacher. Right now it feels like I am. Every thing about myself I've ever felt insecure about is coming out and rearing its ugly head and pushing me into a totally unhealthy cycle of crying, wasting time, doing a half-butt job of everything, talking myself down, wasting time, crying. I'm going home.

Sing Me To Heaven

sing me a lullaby, a love song, a requiem, sing me to heaven

unceasing love, oh unceasing love, surpassing all we know...

Shoes.

Listen, kids.

My feet are wide. Like hobbit wide. Like almost wider than they are long (okay, not really.)

And I have yucky bunions.

Its like my boyfriend says... "All feet are gross." (And then I tell him he should be a podiatrist. Haha.)

But really. I'm gonna be a teacher. In a month. And be on my feet all day. And have to look professional. But one of the things I'm worried most about are m'darn feet! Where am I gonna find some cute, professional shoes that aren't gonna make my feet kill like Casey Anthony AND not look like this:

?!?!?!!!

Suggestions welcome.

Please and thank you.

You know when everybody else says to not do something, and you know they're right, but you do it anyway, because you have to, because its right for you? And then the consequences come, and everything everybody warned you would happen, happens.

I still think its right. But the consequences are... not my fav. And make it kind of hard to deal with. Its hard to just compartmentalize and remember that the not so fun things are just consequences, and I don't need to spend a lot of time worrying about/trying to fix them, because they will go away after I'm finished doing the thing everybody said I shouldn't. Its so hard, because the consequences feel like real issues. And maybe they are. But maybe, hopefully, probably, they are just side effects, and they'll go away soon.

Does that make any sense at all? I thought not. Yay for being cryptic. But honestly, looking at it and making it cryptic is kind of therapeutic. Sweet.

Thought of You

All I post lately is videos. Oh well.

I LOVE this.

Last Goodbye

This is our last goodbye

except for the next time I see you

and then we'll be moving on,

we'll have each other

we'll have infinity.

We're gonna make it

through the summer

and beyond.

We're gonna start moving on

with our lives

together.

We already said "I love you."

First me

but sort of you first

and then again and again.

Its a transition for me

to go from wondering

to knowing. Its that concrete thing

those few little words

I needed to anchor my thoughts

and keep them from doubting.

Now my thoughts are on a new vein

thinking of you

thinking of us

thinking about you thinking of us

and luckily, blessedly, happily

talking to you

talking of us

talking with you about us.

Me= Sap

Tired/Silly

HAHAHAHA!
hahahahah
haha
hahahahahahah!!!!
Hahaha!!
(Weird noise to try and stop laughing)
Hahahaha!
Stop it! Its all your fault! It was all you that time!
hahahaha!!!!!!!!
hahahahahha!!!
Oh my head hurts!
hahahahaha
My parents used to get mad at us and tell us to stop giggling and go to bed. And then we just laughed more!!!
hahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahaha
Okay, okay we gotta stop.
hahahaha
deep breaths (quieter this time)
haha
*hug*
*hug*
CRACK! Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.
hey! Stop! What'd I do? hahaha
I can't look at you!
hey!
What? No, I mean...
What! I was trying to do a serious face! If I do serious face, you laugh more, if I do laughing face, you laugh more! What am I supposed to do? (hahahaha)
Stop doing faces!!!! hahahahah
hahahahah oh dear!
Okay its time for bed
Okay
*kiss*
hahahahahaha
Want me to walk you back?
Nah, lets cut down on how many people have to do the walk of shame/ridiculousness wait not walk of shame!!! I so did not mean to take it there!
hahahahahaha
hahahhaha
okay now really
*kiss*
see you tomorrow
goodnight
ha, ha

Love this Song!

I love this song.

And the lyrics are great.

So here's the lyric video! (Logical, huh?)

:)

Turquoise

The color of the nail polish I've been searching for for weeks

The pool water in St. George this weekend

The ring I played with during class today (4-9:30? Really?)

The shirt that was the icing on the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" cake.

I Love...

Lists. (Because I'm not creative enough to really write.)

and also...

procrastinating.

smiling.

eye contact.

kid giggles.

dying eggs.

red hands.

music.

cheesy music.

flowers.

blankets.

talking, talking,talking.

hugs.

chocolate.

sandals.

babies.

chapstick.

home-cooked meals.

naps.

Sundays.

4th Graders are FREAKING ADORABLE.

So.. I've been in my second cohort (basically pre-student teaching) for the past week and a half in a 4th grade class in Heber. And can I just say, those kids are seriously... great. Love them.

Some favorite quotes/times:

- On the first day, lining up for dance practice, a girl, "This, is where we have to go, and we have to hold hands. Uuuuuuugggghhh." *and then said girl, along with the rest of the class blushes and giggles for said holding of hands.* Muahahaha! :)

- The two boys who were REALLY excited to be MY dance partner when there were an uneven number of boys and girls.

- How hard they work to earn lunch with me and my partner, and then proceed to ask us a million questions, including the all-important "What is your first name?"

- The kids giggling when the teacher said "Johnny is hot" (in reference to hot lunch). Hahaha. I'm so immature.

- The cute kids why say "what can I do to help you?"

- Playing the Dam game.

- Dairy Keen. (Not a typo. Delicious!)

- Watching the spark of learning happening. :)

I'm sure this list will just keep going on...

And then its Tuesday

And I'm much more well rested

and I get cinnamon rolls in class

and I get excited for my future career

and someone calls me "beautiful girl"

and I see someone else in the hall

and find out he just fell asleep, that was all.

And then I get to take a nap

and watch my favorite show(s)

and get some homework done

and eat another piece of bread

and go on a really awesome date

and hear men sing notes I didn't think were humanly possible

and hear amazing, beautiful, artistic, fun music

and hold hands the whole time (I'm obsessed with that.)

And then spend more time together

and laugh

and have a hard time saying goodbye

and saying "I'll see you tomorrow"

and making jokes, but not really

and one more of those, please

and remembering that everything's good

and yesterday was just Monday.

Sometimes its Monday

And I forget about my homework that's due in an 8am class

and I eat too much

and spend too much time on facebook

and my appointments fall through

and I talk to my mom, and she makes it better.

And then I don't shower until 5pm

and I make people wait for me

and I have to wait for other people

and I get impatient

and I don't get what I want

and I get stupid girl

and I get annoyed that I got stupid

and I talk to my friends, and they make it better.

For a while, until I do it all again.

And I try to do what I should

but I cop out

and I go to bed grumpy

but holding on to the happy realization that tomorrow,

it doesn't have to be Monday anymore.

Every Day

I love the everyday.

The everyday when

we text each other at the same time

we do what we have to more than we want to

we power through a library session

we laugh and joke and tease

we pretend to be positive

we rearrange what we're carrying to hold hands

we go on adventures

we look in each other's eyes

we tell stories

we be us.

A Song... Just Because.

I'm loving this song right now. I've listened to it like 5 times today. (Make that 6.) Voluntarily. This never happens. (BTW, I'm on a SERIOUS country kick right now. I'm loving it. I'm even NOT sick of Taylor Swift anymore. Who am I???)

Sometimes...

Sometimes I talk to my mom.

For an hour and a half.

While making a friggin awesome Valentine.

And we discuss my love life at length.

And we have passionate discussions about education: mine

and that of my future students

and the students of Utah.

I am so, in the right place. I am so passionate about education!!! I feel like I can't even talk about it. It is so hard for me to express how important I believe it is. We teach our children, we save the world.

I just hope I don't screw them all up. No pressure!

Duddnt it Just Melt Yer Heart?!?

Why do I always get the itch to blog when I have no time to do it? Oh well. Another thing procrastinated. Awesome.

It is so cold right now! Okay, in Provo its actually 18 at the moment. Can you say heat wave! Well, it is, in comparison with last night's -2 (according to the bank). My lips and chin and nose were so cold on the way to class today that I felt like I had gone to the dentist and got like 50 of those numbing shots. Brrr....

A few of my best coping strategies:

1. Leggings under my pants every day this week. (It really only helps a little.)

2. Feeding my scarf obsession, even if said scarf does not match my red coat. (Pink and red is okay, right? Its February, after all!)

3. Oatmeal for breakfast, Ramen for lunch, soup for dinner.

4. Eating a whole package of conversation hearts. Uh, actually that has nothing to do with being cold, does it. Oh well. Just thought I'd share.

5. I finally busted out the electric blanket, and was thus late for class (again) because I could not get out of the Warmest Bed Ever.

Wanna know the best one? Beware. Its dorky. I give you full permission to roll your eyes/gag/skip the next one...

5. Pocket sharing. You know what I mean. Its that thing that you've always secretly wanted to do even though every time you see someone do it you roll your eyes so much they just might stick that way forever and you're almost blinded by feigned disgust. Yeah, that. Well, its as nice as you know it seems.

Don't mind me, I'm just burning down all those old bitter bridges that a dry spell warrants building as fast as I can. Pass the Kerosene, I've got my love to keep me warm. :)

Literacy Autobiography

Okay, I'm a teacher nerd, and I wrote this for a college class. I'm sure you can tell. At the last minute. And I can tell. But I still sort of like it, so... here you go.

Literacy is so much a part of my everyday life that I can't think of life or a world without it. Every day I wake up, put on my glasses, and start to read. Don't get me wrong, I am not one of those people who wakes up at four in the morning so that I have time to ponder the scriptures for hours in the morning. What I mean, is that I read the world around me. I read the clock and decide how much I need to hurry. I read the conditioner bottle and think wait, have I already shampooed? I read the milk carton- its almost expired. Without even thinking about what I'm doing, I am constantly reading the world and making decisions.

I remember when I was just starting to read, I would sit in the back seat of our car and try to read everything I could see out the window. I discovered that I was missing a lot of words as I tried to sound out "Jefferson Street" or "Pre-Owned Vehicle", and I quickly got frustrated. "Mom," I'd say, "How can you even know where we are? I can't read the signs fast enough to figure it out!" I don't remember where or when it was, but I distinctly remember her saying, "Mikell, someday you'll read everything that passes by without even having to sound it out." That concept was amazing to me. How could a person read everything, and not even have to sound it out? I didn't believe my mom at the time, but one day I found myself doing it, reading everything without even having to try.

I have also become a consciously literate person. I'm in college, where much of my time is spent pouring over the words of researchers and scientists in my field. I've had to learn how to make sense out of all this information coming at me, even though it sometimes feels like trying to take a drink out of a fire hose. I try to choose to read as well, be it reading the news online or actually sitting down to read a novel (though I think I might be forgetting how to do that one.) I write too. Though its mostly for school, I also like to journal or write blogs.

One of my earliest memories is seeing my big sister read, and then begging my mom for her to teach me to do it too. I remember how proud I felt as I "read" that "Bob Book" (you know, "Sam sat on a mat. Matt sat on Sam. A cat sat on Matt and Sam..." that kind of thing) and got praised day and night for it. "Have I told you that my three year old can read?" my mom would say to anyone who would hear. I wasn't embarrassed, I was proud. My mom thought I was a child prodigy, and I thought I was smarter than my big sister, which was all I really cared about.

Now, when I read and write I feel like I learn so much about myself and my relationship with the world. I get this feeling, a sort of affirmation that life is something that I can come to understand. I get a feeling of discovery that improves my confidence that I can come to learn anything. It also brings more full understanding of other people. As we communicate, we can come to know other people and their perspectives on the world. The joy of learning and doing so through the different forms of literacy- reading, writing, listening, speaking- brings the clarity of understanding into our lives.

good

–adjective

morally excellent; virtuous; righteous; pious;

of high quality; excellent.

right; proper; fit

well-behaved

kind, beneficent, or friendly

honorable or worthy;

educated and refined

financially sound or safe

genuine; not counterfeit

reliable; dependable; responsible

healthful; beneficial

in excellent condition; healthy

favorable; propitious

cheerful; optimistic; amiable

free of distress or pain; comfortable

agreeable; pleasant

attractive; handsome

close or intimate; warm

competent or skillful; clever

loyal

favorably regarded.

He is a good man.